Showing posts tagged online dating
Beware, fellas. Other euphemisms include, but are in no way limited to, the following: “curvy,” “voluptuous,” “womanly,” “zaftig,” “fecund,” “NOT an anorexic Barbie doll!,” and “porcine.”  View high resolution

Beware, fellas. Other euphemisms include, but are in no way limited to, the following: “curvy,” “voluptuous,” “womanly,” “zaftig,” “fecund,” “NOT an anorexic Barbie doll!,” and “porcine.” 

The abs of the chick I went out with yesterday. “You are looking at Miss Fitness 2011,” she said to me. Truth. She just won her country’s competition two weeks ago. I am either frightened or turned on, or maybe both.

The abs of the chick I went out with yesterday. “You are looking at Miss Fitness 2011,” she said to me. Truth. She just won her country’s competition two weeks ago.

I am either frightened or turned on, or maybe both.

Primary profile photo of [handle redacted to protect her privacy and, in this case, her dignity]. In the “You should message me if” section of her profile, she writes, “If you’re just looking to get laid, dont write me, i’m not interested, save yourself some time.” This is what’s known in the realm of courtship as “sending mixed messages.” “Also,” she adds, “you dont have to show me your disgusting naked chest photos in a mirror. It’s a big turn-off.” Agreed. That would not be classy at all. “The first things people usually notice about me”? That would be “my pink braces.” Debatable. I probably would have gone with “my crotch.” When she’s not admiring her own panties through her camera lens, [handle redacted] is a “journalist, writer, photo editor, sculptor and a dollmaker. I’m also in real estate. Also, I just started my own bath products company.” Busy girl.  View high resolution

Primary profile photo of [handle redacted to protect her privacy and, in this case, her dignity]. In the “You should message me if” section of her profile, she writes, “If you’re just looking to get laid, dont write me, i’m not interested, save yourself some time.” This is what’s known in the realm of courtship as “sending mixed messages.” “Also,” she adds, “you dont have to show me your disgusting naked chest photos in a mirror. It’s a big turn-off.” Agreed. That would not be classy at all.

“The first things people usually notice about me”? That would be “my pink braces.” Debatable. I probably would have gone with “my crotch.”

When she’s not admiring her own panties through her camera lens, [handle redacted] is a “journalist, writer, photo editor, sculptor and a dollmaker. I’m also in real estate. Also, I just started my own bath products company.” Busy girl. 

The main profile pic — i.e., the one that shows up in all searches, as the icon next to chats & emails, etc. — of [name redacted to protect her dignity, though I will say — and let’s be honest, you already knew this — it contains the “word” “Charmz”] View high resolution

The main profile pic — i.e., the one that shows up in all searches, as the icon next to chats & emails, etc. — of [name redacted to protect her dignity, though I will say — and let’s be honest, you already knew this — it contains the “word” “Charmz”]

“

I’ve been on two real dates in my life, both of them in my freshman year of college, nearly a quarter century ago. The first, as it happens, was with the eldest daughter of Robert Ross… We went to ‘Burn This’ on Broadway. I remember John Malkovich stomping around onstage and then my date catching a train back to Scarsdale. She remembers that we went to a Chinese restaurant and (this hurts) that I ordered a tequila sunrise. That night, anyway, was the end of it for us.

For the next date, on the advice of a classmate from Staten Island, who claimed to have dating experience, I took a sophomore I liked to a T.G.I. Friday’s, in a shopping center on Route 1 in New Jersey. On the drive there, a fuse blew, knocking out the car stereo, and so I pulled over, removed the fuse box, fashioned a fuse out of some aluminum foil from a pack of cigarettes, and got the cassette deck going again. My companion could not have known that this would hold up as the lone MacGyver moment in a lifetime of my standing around uselessly while other people fix stuff, but she can attest to it now, as she has usually been the one, since then, doing the fixing. We’ve been together for twenty-three years.

From Nick Paumgarten’s wonderful (and prolifically emailed, forwarded, linked to, and blogged about) feature on online dating in this week’s New Yorker
“
grammer.
One woman’s complete, [sic]ening entry in the “I spend a lot of time thinking about” section of her OKCupid profile 
Main — and only — profile picture of one local (34-year-old) lady who just popped up among my recommended matches. Code name = “MakinUp4LostTime” Apparently. View high resolution

Main — and only — profile picture of one local (34-year-old) lady who just popped up among my recommended matches. Code name = “MakinUp4LostTime”

Apparently.

Online-Dating Inbox Ego Boost of the Day

If online dating is good for nothing else — and usually it isn’t — it is, at the very least, a reliably consistent boost to the ol’ self esteem. Exhibit A, below: I’ve never seen someone literally become frustrated over someone else’s astounding cuteness, much less my own. What can I say other than “Aww, shucks. Stop!”? (And by “stop,” I mean, “Please, continue…”)

you are so cute!!! arghh. 

i found an old message i sent you. i envy your wordplay skills. (i’m a graduate student, which means my neurosis is all about how much smarter/dumber or a better/worse writer someone is compared to me. actually that’s just the primary neurosis. other issues include being paranoid about writing really long sentences.) 

anyway, your witty words have caused me too much pain. i demand that as compensation you either send me the FULL picture of you in the mankini (front AND back), or say something about how killing OBL was a great moment for Am’rrka so I can stop having a crush on a goddamn okcupid profile. 

Jesus Christ. 

I + Me = Mea Culpa : (

Dear [Name Redacted],

I owe you an apology. About a week after I publicly humiliated you by posting this, thereby subjecting you to the derision of my tens of thousands of followers, a friend alerted me of my wrongdoing. Here is how it went (*NOTE: actual dialogue approximated):

My Friend Katie: So tell me more about how stupid other people can be.

Me: Gladly! So, like, the other day, some chick from OK Cupid emails me, and her message has two sentences — and one of them is simply “U + me = : )”

MFK: [same look of incredulity that one would expect upon hearing of such inanity]

Me: I know, right?

MFK: What was the other sentence?

Me: That’s not important.

{It is important. It said, “I love your user name!” My user name is a 30 Rock reference.}

A pause. Then —

MFK: Do you watch 30 Rock?

Me: Yeah.

MFK: Well, there was an episode where Jack breaks up with Condoleezza Rice with a text message that just says “U + me = : (“

Me: Oh.

MFK (thinking this, but too nice to say it): Yeah, “Oh.”

A reference, to be sure, the so-called “male Liz Lemon” should have gotten. And so, my fellow online-dating 30 Rock fanatic, I hereby and humbly apologize. 

That said, I don’t really want to go out. You look a little chunky for my taste.

Sincerely,

: (

“
U + me = :-)
One of the two sentences, if you can call them that, of an OK Cupid message I just received
“
Wols, this girl would suffocate you if you guys had sex.
The always quotable SRB (who wishes to remain anonymous henceforth, despite the inevitable Wolman Bump her Tumblr page would receive from my outbound link), on a local lady (who will remain anonymous for obvious reasons) who emailed me today. The potential suitee had labeled herself as “curvy,” which is as euphemistic as online-dating pull-down-menu options come, but I couldn’t tell by her pictures how “curvy” she was and so solicited SRB’s take.

How (Not) to Date Online: How to Dump Online: Email

disastrousdatingdivas:

Subject Line: I’ve Notified Law Enforcement Good Memories

Dear Tabitha,

I’ve been doing a lot of heavy drinking thinking, and I want to deboard your crazy train don’t think we should keep seeing each other. I really like your apartment you and I’m obviously very attracted to your…

Very nicely put.

(Reblogged from disastrousdatingdivas)
The potential matches who appear at the top of OK Cupid’s “Welcome home” page are now often sponsored by Trojan® Ecstasy “Fire & Ice”® condoms. [Insert, ahem, insertion-related jokes here.] On a related note, I was delighted to discover, on my first-ever visit to Trojan’s homepage, that Ludacris is the spokesman for the Magnum brand’s “Live Large” project. Mad “props” to him (as his “peeps” might say) for finding the one way to sell out and yet enhance his reputation. As it were. View high resolution

The potential matches who appear at the top of OK Cupid’s “Welcome home” page are now often sponsored by Trojan® Ecstasy “Fire & Ice”® condoms. [Insert, ahem, insertion-related jokes here.]

On a related note, I was delighted to discover, on my first-ever visit to Trojan’s homepage, that Ludacris is the spokesman for the Magnum brand’s “Live Large” project. Mad “props” to him (as his “peeps” might say) for finding the one way to sell out and yet enhance his reputation. As it were.

ohhellothereyou: 40daysofrules: i don’t understand why okcupid would have a test like that on there and expect any result to be attractive. Can’t. Stop. Laughing. I think I’d also score “Maybe.” Definitely maybe. Definitely. Definitely maybe Asperger’s.

ohhellothereyou:

40daysofrules:

i don’t understand why okcupid would have a test like that on there and expect any result to be attractive.

Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

I think I’d also score “Maybe.” Definitely maybe. Definitely. Definitely maybe Asperger’s.

(Reblogged from ohhellothereyou)
The main profile pic of [handle withheld to protect her privacy (I wouldn’t want to see her barraged with another 120 emails tomorrow…), but suffice it to say — as if there were any doubt — it includes the word “Leggy”]. Her profile is 496 words long. (Yes, I counted. I am nothing if not diligent for you, dear reader.) 233 of those words, spanning nine sections (“What I’m doing with my life,” “The six things I could never do without,” etc.), go toward explaining why you might want to go out with her. 263 of the words are dedicated to what you must first be (“You should message me if”) on the off-chance you do. Here are most of them: Please be gainfully employed with a *real* career. Please be an educated intellectual. PhD preferred. Ivy league graduates rise to the top. Please be attractive and at least 5’11”. Like it or not, looks count. Please do not cover your body in tattoos or wear body jewelry. I prefer a classy clean cut man. This includes a well groomed face. Please do not write if you are not physically fit and do not make fitness an important part of your daily routine. (Your photos must prove that you are at least as athletic as I am.) Please do not write if you are a beefcake with no intellect or an intellectual with no athleticism. I take care of my body and mind and so should you. Please do not worship Jesus Christ, Yaweh, the Lord or any false messiah. Please do not lie about your age. So many men look so much older than their photos. Do you think women can’t tell? Please feel free to remain offended by my requirements. But DO NOT WRITE to tell me so unless you wish to be blocked. I received 120 emails my first day on this site. The volume has been overwhelming. I am not a rude person. I am quite kind. Please do not belittle yourself with insults. I simply wish to waste no one’s time. View high resolution

The main profile pic of [handle withheld to protect her privacy (I wouldn’t want to see her barraged with another 120 emails tomorrow…), but suffice it to say — as if there were any doubt — it includes the word “Leggy”]. Her profile is 496 words long. (Yes, I counted. I am nothing if not diligent for you, dear reader.) 233 of those words, spanning nine sections (“What I’m doing with my life,” “The six things I could never do without,” etc.), go toward explaining why you might want to go out with her. 263 of the words are dedicated to what you must first be (“You should message me if”) on the off-chance you do. Here are most of them:

  • Please be gainfully employed with a *real* career.
  • Please be an educated intellectual. PhD preferred. Ivy league graduates rise to the top.
  • Please be attractive and at least 5’11”. Like it or not, looks count.
  • Please do not cover your body in tattoos or wear body jewelry. I prefer a classy clean cut man. This includes a well groomed face.
  • Please do not write if you are not physically fit and do not make fitness an important part of your daily routine. (Your photos must prove that you are at least as athletic as I am.)
  • Please do not write if you are a beefcake with no intellect or an intellectual with no athleticism. I take care of my body and mind and so should you.
  • Please do not worship Jesus Christ, Yaweh, the Lord or any false messiah.
  • Please do not lie about your age. So many men look so much older than their photos. Do you think women can’t tell?
  • Please feel free to remain offended by my requirements. But DO NOT WRITE to tell me so unless you wish to be blocked. I received 120 emails my first day on this site. The volume has been overwhelming. I am not a rude person. I am quite kind. Please do not belittle yourself with insults. I simply wish to waste no one’s time.